the laws of fashion physics


Newton’s laws of motion force us to buy our summer clothes in the dead of winter because by summer there won’t be much left (at least not in your size).

Law of gravity: The clothes featured on catwalks or ads never look the same when you put them on: they bulge, drain your face of any color, drag and suddenly make you feel depressed. (All the more so if you, once again, refused to admit that you need a bigger size.)

Laws of thermodynamics dictate that if you want to fit into the summer clothes when the weather is warm enough to wear them you have to continue your new-year’s-resolution-fuelled fitness routine after the first week of January, otherwise you won’t have a snowman’s chance in midsummer. (But you’ll definitely have a snowman’s body.)

Invariance of the speed of light: No matter how quickly you rush to buy the hottest, most fashionable clothes they’ll already be out of fashion by the time you pull out your credit card. Very few people succeed in actually wearing clothes which are fashionable when they’re actually wearing them.

Theory of relativity: If you ignore fashion altogether, you’ll create a wormhole which cuts right through all the fashion craziness. You won’t be fashionable (not that you were anyway, look at the previous fashion law of physics!), but you’ll save a lot of money and (hopefully!) make your shopping decisions based on what actually looks good on you. Fashion may make people notice you, but it’s your style you’ll be remembered by. Just think about Einstein’s hair.


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